THE STARS OF ALPHA

After giving the finger to LA, a ratbag TV producer and his family have ended up in an even crazier place, a city on a colossal starship heading for Alpha Centauri.

Starscraper City is at the front of the spaceship.

THERE'S OVER ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND colonists on the UNICS Madison Hopkins, more people than you could ever get to know even on an sixteen year voyage. ALPHA therefore specifically concerns itself with the truly extraordinary events surrounding a single dysfunctional family: Ronnie, Bonny, Lulu, Billy and Honey Bazook, interstellar travellers from Los Angeles.

God save the universe from Ronnie Bazook.

RONNIE BAZOOK (46).
Reserve Crew role – Quartermaster.
Ronnie Bazook has forgotten more jokes than Jerry Lewis ever knew. In 2046, after making a fortune from his stripclubs, he dived into virtual-reality television in LA with both guns blazing and Nude Christmas was a monster hit. Ten years later Ronnie’s got enough skeletons in his Hollywood closet to populate a decent sized cemetery, which makes being two light years removed from Sunset Boulevard a good position to be in. But nothing really bothers the amazing Ronnie Bazook, thanks to his astounding ability to deflect any criticism. Even his eyes lie, when he looks into a mirror his fat belly and jowls miraculously vanish and a handsome stud beams back. Ronnie’s irrepressible humor matches his gung-ho attitude. Here's everyone stuck in a supersize tin can with deep space psychosis running rampant and Ronnie’s having a ball running BAZOOKA TV, easily the most popular channel on the ship. Thanks to highly addictive garbage like Dumb Suckers Olympics and Backyard Dominatrix.

BONNY BAZOOK nee Reich (35).
Reserve Crew role – Dropship pilot.
Taller than hubby, Bonny is still packing a starlet's body thanks to the finest genetic surgery Ronnie's money can buy. Bonny's billionaire dad jumped off a bridge into the Seine when she was fourteen, after his pharmaceutical empire collapsed. Suddenly thrown from a life of privilege into a life of hard graft, Bonny became the family provider and she can pinch a penny until it screams. A natural-born survivalist, Bonny learnt very quickly to cash in on her looks. Ronnie fell for her like a ton of bricks when she answered his ad for actors with great bodies for “Romantic European-style movies”. But luckily, Bonny showed less acting talent than a cargo hold robot. Deeply neurotic, she is constantly reinventing her appearance to sustain Ronnie's interest in her – to his unending joy and also her plastic surgeon’s.

Aspirant rock goddess, secret reader of the romantic poets.

LULU BAZOOK (17).
Reserve Crew role – Meteor Gunner.
Lulu was only eight years old when she walked on board the MadHop. An only child, a sense of betrayal haunts Lulu, even though she will deny it. This has got a lot to do with her mother’s strange, untimely death and a lack of anything remotely like quality time with her dad the big producer. Not to mention her neverending conflicts with his new wife Bonny Reich, or the fact that she had nothing whatsoever to do with the family decision to emigrate to "a stupid planet forty-five trillion miles from LA for godsakes!" Meanwhile, Lulu has discovered “The Wasteland”, and confirmed in her belief that the universe is black and white. And now she's even more determined to get to the bottom of an ugly rumour, that the MadHop is heading for a nightmare planet nothing like the Earthly paradise in the UN promotional films.

Billy's as superstitious as a medieval peasant.

BILLY BAZOOK (27).
Reserve Crew role – Cryogenics Assistant.
The antithesis of his big brother, Billy is an archetypal New Age flake who has made a career out of providing a non-threatening shoulder for Ronnie’s shipwrecked women to cry on. Born well after Dad Bazook abandoned the family, Billy naturally looks to Ronnie as the father figure. Slightly built to Ronnie’s heft, sensitive and alternative to his brute materialism, Billy is the cuckoo in the nest. His admiration for his brother is shot through with distaste at his methodology, and a secret belief that he could make a better fist of things. As superstitious as a medieval peasant, Billy is heavily into ‘energy’, the I Ching and Metatron, "a discarnate intergalactic warlord", channelled by a gay fusion engineer. Ronnie continually taunts Billy about his masculinity, unable to comprehend what “meathead” is doing with his ex babes if he’s not laying them?! But Billy loves Honey, the first woman who’s taken him for himself, not as a path to Ronnie.

Honey likes to operate in "stealth" mode.

HONEY BAZOOK nee Dougal (28).
Reserve Crew role – Trauma Counsellor.
Honey is Scottish Highlander who escaped Glasgow and ended up in Los Angeles. Her green card marriage went belly up, the ice age was screwing the Earth, so she decided to make the move to Alpha Centauri and good ol' Billy Bazook turned up with tickets on the MadHop. Honey cultivates a cool persona that masks her inner passion with a psychologist’s detachment, but what she really wants is a baby. Honey operates in ‘stealth’ mode, creeping up on folks with razor wit and penetrating observations. Lulu confides in her, responding to her street-smart Glaswegian background and dry wit. Honey regards Billy as a ‘low-impact’ husband and he's the only one really devoted to their marriage.

SEX, LIES AND ALIENS

Apart from their tentacle hair, gorgeous gold skin and sex god good looks, in the flesh Zoo-o-lights look almost human.

Zool, leader of the Zoo-o-lights.

IT'S A LONG LONG WAY TO ALPHA CENTAURI.
THE SIXTEEN YEAR VOYAGE started out with everyone feeling like they were the luckiest people who ever lived. The ship is fitted out luxuriously and everyone lives in starscraper apartments with panoramic views of the Milky Way. But after eight long years on the road, deep space psychosis is rampant, people are homesick and mod. con’s are small compensation.

DISASTER STRIKES!
And now the situation has deteriorated even further, following a fluke accident which has reduced their speed by half and if it can’t be fixed, many more years will be added to the voyage.

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?

There they were halfway between solar systems, like a mote of dust crossing infinity, when against all odds something managed to smash into the MadHop. But it wasn’t a stray meteor or comet that ploughed into the number two fusion drive. Nope, it was something that should have been paying a hell of a lot more attention, because a tiny gold spaceship was responsible.

WORST ENCOUNTER?
It was the first encounter with alien beings in recorded human history and miraculously, none of the eleven golden-skinned Zoo-o-lights were injured. Almost as amazing, in less than a day the beautiful half naked creatures had all learned to speak English fluently with, curiously, a distinctive French accent.

Zoo-o-lights use emotions like lust as weapons
and they can shape enhance their bodies at will.

REDNECK ALERT!
The badly damaged stardrive was one thing, the sexy accent was another, but the fundamental reason the Zoo-o-lights fell out with all the rednecks on board was when Bazooka TV sensationally revealed that the aliens were all as drunk as lords when they rammed the MadHop, after celebrating to excess their graduation from an intergalactic university with Ph.D’s in Quantum Sex!

UH OH, QUANTUM SEX.

Now whatever the hell Q.S. was, every redneck immediately reached for his hidden shotgun to check that it was oiled and ready for action. Because one thing for damn sure, these here Zoo-o-light critters were big trouble, because they were obviously capable of charming the pants off anyone in the Universe.

WHERE NO SOAP HAS GONE BEFORE.